Thursday, 9 December 2010

Being a Mess~Being Human

The more complete and whole I feel as a "single" person not in a relationship (although i don't really believe in separateness.. for the sake of the illusion I'll speak in those terms), the more I seem to allow myself to be honest with myself and others without any fear.

I've noticed in a relationship, I might have slightly tip toed around, for fear of being left by him or upsetting someone else.  There's also this weird, "I represent my partner" thing that goes on.  The freedom in being single is that there is no one person who can leave you.  I'm the only one I represent. I'm the only one I can leave.  And even deeper than that, in truth... no one can ever really leave anyone and there is a way to feel whole and complete in a relationship too, of course.

Physically, sure someone can leave you, but if you think about the last relationship you were in (or the one you're in now) where does that person exist to you?  Mostly in your mind.  How can anyone else really exist?  Ok, so they come home every day, but if they didn't come home every day would they exist any less in your heart, in your mind?  I know this to be true as someone with a father who passed away when I was very young.  I can't say I didn't have a dad growing up because I believe he has always been around me and still is to this day.  So to say, my father died and abandoned me is not true.  The body goes, but energy is way more expansive.

So say, someone no longer wants to share their energy with you.  They've asked you to stop texting.  Stop calling.  Do they exist any less?  And even when something like this takes place, it is happening to bring you back to you, the only person you're ever really in relationship with anyway (that's a whole other blog topic).  So that person is still doing a very loving act by asking you not to communicate with them anymore.

I guess what I'm experiencing is the beauty of being single, yet knowing I'm never really alone.  The illusion being single creates... in that, I am free to say what I want, do whatever I want, and there's no one to answer to at the end of the day.  No one to tell me, "You shouldn't say it like that, or you could've kept that to yourself."  And at the same time feeling connected to everyone and feeling very open to being in a relationship if it were to organically show up.  I guess also, the next relationship I'm in, I'm going to carry this freedom with me into it.

I'm kind of all over the place here.. Last night I wrote this song, with Mooji... it's kind of where I am today. Messy!

i hear(t) you

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